Saturday, 13 June 2015

Dork DISASTER Clothes and Shoes!

Some clothes look bad on some people, don't they. That's why fashion (or rather, the generally more small minded category of women's lifestyle magazines) has developed a list of rules which you may feel inclined to follow. The whole thing about curvy girls needing to avoid horizontal stripes is one example of a rule turned holy grail which isn't really true, but many people follow religiously. Another old chestnut is 'never wear brown and black together', oh how deadfully passe! In Februray 2014 Michael Kors dressed his models in brown, black, and grey. No one died, no realities collapsed. So hey ho, rules are there to be broken right?

Michael Kors, NYC Fashion Week 2014

But whilst I'm a firm believer that anyone should be able to wear anything they want to, I do think knowing what suits you is a powerful skill to posses. I've been dressing myself for about 16 years now (if 5 yrs old is when you start putting your own clothes on?), and so I've had plenty of time to perfect my wardrobe. During those 16 years I've journeyed through many sartorial phases, ofcourse not all great, noteably the Courtney Love phase and the nu-rave phase. The nu-punk-rocker phase had to be the worst of the bunch, but that happened when I was only 13, so ok. As I always say, experimentation is king - it allows you to establish what you like and don't like.

Here's some stuff I now KNOW doesn't suit me, and I must be reminded of this frequently as I sometimes forget and try to buy some of the below items because I think they're cool. They always look shit on me because I always feel like a dork in them, so I should never buy them. Let's begin.

1) Flatforms
Asos Hangtime Flatform Sandals,

Because of my abnormally knobbly knees and general kid's physique, these guys make me look so ridiculous. They elongate my feet, emphasising the funny knees. They shorten my legs and make me walk like a fool. I've tripped up in these loads too, from the front - so imagine scuffing the fronts of the shoes on the pavement and then doing a sort of forward trip.

2) Skater Dresses
Topshop Textured Box Pleat Dress,

A cinched in high waist, great - I love a high waist. The problem with this shape on my kid like body lies in the puffed out skirt, the length of the skirt, the whole upper, the fact that it looks like a kid's dress. It's just really bad on me. I've owned a few of these in the past, beautiful crushed velvet, ladylike grey, casual cotton, all were wrong. You have to feel nice in the clothes you wear, they are transformative. Skater dresses make me feel like an awkward teen.

3) Midi Skirts with Long Boots

This can probably look great on some people. But I tried the combo of a midi skirt i.e. falling below the knee, with a knee high boot once, and boy did I feel like a middle aged mum. 

4) Skull/Beanie Hats

The super tight kind that outlines the shape of your skull. Yep, those. I'm weird about the shape of my skull in that I think I have quite a flat head from the side (!), so as far as I'm concerned these just accentuate that. They also look like an idiot condom and make my forehead itch. I go for a nice slouchy hat knitted by a gran, a polite beret or a hood instead.

 5) Brogues

Clarkes Hamble Oak Brogue,

I hate the word 'brogue' for starters. 
I bought some black patent brogues from Topshop a month ago. I've now sold them on Ebay - an example of me forgetting something looks dorkey on me and only remembering after it's too late. What's my problem with this 'classic' shoe? Well, I feel overdressed in them, I don't feel cool in them, I don't feel laid back in them, I feel like a pristine loser going on a countryside walk, in a city, and also like a twee Cath Kidston man boy. These are things I don't want to feel like. I love feeling like a boy. I have a pair of vans that I live in, and when I wear them I sure don't feel like a girly girl, it's just that the brogue, also being a manly shoe, suggests another world entirely, and it's a world I don't like.

Some other sartorial stuff that gives me the creeps, to be expanded on in the near future:
-When shoes I'm wearing click on the floor
-Waterfall skirts
-New Converse
-Bowler hats

Below please tell me two things you think look dorkey on you, and why, so I can see if I can also add them to my list